Sunday, 23 July 2017

All that glitters is not gold...

Welcome to my blog, 
you might have clicked to read this blog post for a number of reasons... 
all of which are quite okay!

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I have always tried to live my life with honesty, integrity and love for everyone's individual journey through life...
although I have carried a few 'secrets' and a bit of baggage along the way, this has played on my sense of 'Honesty' so about 3 years ago I decided to share some parts of my life that I had kept hidden from everyone, except my husband Anthony - hoping that it would lighten my load... and it has!!

My story began on the 17th August 1972, the first born of Ross and Judy White - they went on to have my brother Scott some 4 years later. Our parents led a typical family life, we went to church each Sunday,  Dad was a Police Officer for over 20 years, Mum involved with Community care inc Fostering & Women's refuge's before many years in Public service - they divorced when I was 9...

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Mum started drinking heavily and continued to be an aggressive 'functioning' alcoholic until 10 years ago, but for 25 years her alcoholism was crippling to our family. My childhood memories are filled with rarely having Mum at home, she would be at the pub with some blokes, no food in the fridge but always wine, missing out on school excursions & activities, meeting numerous 'boyfriends' and always having tension at home. By age 11 I was cooking meals, ironing, cleaning, covering for her drinking behaviours... all while trying to maintain a 'childhood' to the outside world.
Throughout my adult years Mum has come and go from our daily life, mostly for her narcisstic ideals - she is never at fault, never wrong and never apologises! As I look back on the past years she is either talking to me or talking to Scott... rarely at the same time? I see other women who have such a lovely relationship with their mothers, and think of what could have been... I then focus on my own relationship with our daughters! 

Dad would mostly have us each fortnight, but moved around quite a bit, we met a few different 'girlfriends' before he married Sue (who passed away from MS - Sue will always be my Wedding day 'Mum') and has since been married to Perla for some 23 years, but is another story? 
While we were visiting one weekend at the house at The Gap he molested me and on other occasions 'extremely inappropriate' behaviour... I couldn't tell anyone! Who would believe me? I was always told I was such a difficult child, opinionated and 'naughty'!! 

So my life continued down a bumpy road until I met Anthony, he accepted me and loved me and I shared the most vulnerable parts of myself. We have grown and continue to support each other... he is an amazing person!! We were married when I was 19 & a half (they said it wouldn't last!!), we were gifted 3 children and live our life each day.

Through the years, I wanted to be normal, to have what I saw other families were having and so made it happen... for all intents and purposes we 'were' a 'happy family' at birthday, christmas and other occasions. Until some 4 years ago when Perla's daughter Malea created a drama over Fathers Day (just the straw that broke the camels back as there had been lies at birthdays and other such events through the years, that I 'fixed') and my brother & I and our families were excluded, again. Only this time I wasn't going to smooth it all over, and then Christmas was awkward (I love Christmas, always have, always will) Dad's birthday passed in February, and when he came over at Easter and I told him he needed to be accountable for his actions of 30 years ago, that he had to stop the lies and deception and acknowledge what he did to me... he didn't like it...tried to convince me it didn't happen... he just wanted to give our kids an Easter gift and continue to live the lie we had lived, till now... but something in me, finally said this is enough. I did not want our children growing up in an environment that is so 'fake'!!

Yes, I had to share my 'story' with our children, who had managed to grasp the conversation at our front door... a combination of guilt and a weight lifted - a strangely satisfying feeling? I bravely shared my story to my aunt (Dad's sister and someone who I hold in great esteem, even to this day where she has been told by her brother that I must be lieing as he was in the Police force at the time! I have told her to see what is going on with the priests in the church?) I know it's a shameful situation... I've lived with the shame for 30 odd years!! I also shared my 'secret' with my Brother and sister in law... many tears were wept but in the end they choose to have Grandparents for my niece & nephew - we all get to make choices, and consequently the ripple continues to widen our bond... my heart hurts each day to know that I had no support before and still none after - it is what it is - people can only believe the truth when they want to believe it!!

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I suppose I am writing this as I get a lot of comments about how perfect my life is, how lucky I am and mostly I agree, but it is because 3 years ago I decided to live a life of truth.
Yes, I do make allowances for those who walk blindly along, following the same pathways as their parents because my love is unconditional and yet not all conditions come from love.

I am not interested in being a 'Poster child' nor a 'Victim' I would just like to continue my journey with the knowledge that I am not hiding anything from anyone. I often listen to other people's stories of their journey through life and feel compassion  or lucky but never judge them, we all have different paths.... and this is mine!

In my mid teens I contacted Alanon, for children and families of alcoholics and more recently reached out to Bravehearts... my path is made difficult by those who don't believe, those who continue to play games and it took alot of growth for me to be 'okay' with walking the past 3 years alone with just my husband and children for support. People seem to believe their love is unconditional and yet their actions speak louder. Simply telling me to 'get over it' or 'move on' is not helpful, sorry!!
 I do have lovely friends, some who know and some who don't, some who share a similar story and some who don't but all with a common thread of friendship - I appreciate and am grateful for you all xx

I suspect some of you have made it to here and think 'big deal', I knew there was something or perhaps will treat me differently with their new found knowledge... and that is all to be expected, please know that your feelings, comments or gossip does not have much of an effect on me these days... I finally and actually like the person I am, yes, still so much to learn and improve and work on but I am doing my best each day!!

If I was handing out Gold Stars today, you would get one just for reading to the end, so 
Thank you.. 
I've probably shared 'too much', you should have seen all the bits I have edited out... but have shared from my heart, and that is who I am! A far from perfect person who continually makes mistakes but strives to live each day with hope for the future!

I hope by me sharing something very personal in a very public way will be another step forward in my journey... but, only time will tell...
Alison xx