Sunday, 23 July 2017

All that glitters is not gold...

Welcome to my blog, 
you might have clicked to read this blog post for a number of reasons... 
all of which are quite okay!

Image may contain: text

I have always tried to live my life with honesty, integrity and love for everyone's individual journey through life...
although I have carried a few 'secrets' and a bit of baggage along the way, this has played on my sense of 'Honesty' so about 3 years ago I decided to share some parts of my life that I had kept hidden from everyone, except my husband Anthony - hoping that it would lighten my load... and it has!!

My story began on the 17th August 1972, the first born of Ross and Judy White - they went on to have my brother Scott some 4 years later. Our parents led a typical family life, we went to church each Sunday,  Dad was a Police Officer for over 20 years, Mum involved with Community care inc Fostering & Women's refuge's before many years in Public service - they divorced when I was 9...

Image may contain: text

Mum started drinking heavily and continued to be an aggressive 'functioning' alcoholic until 10 years ago, but for 25 years her alcoholism was crippling to our family. My childhood memories are filled with rarely having Mum at home, she would be at the pub with some blokes, no food in the fridge but always wine, missing out on school excursions & activities, meeting numerous 'boyfriends' and always having tension at home. By age 11 I was cooking meals, ironing, cleaning, covering for her drinking behaviours... all while trying to maintain a 'childhood' to the outside world.
Throughout my adult years Mum has come and go from our daily life, mostly for her narcisstic ideals - she is never at fault, never wrong and never apologises! As I look back on the past years she is either talking to me or talking to Scott... rarely at the same time? I see other women who have such a lovely relationship with their mothers, and think of what could have been... I then focus on my own relationship with our daughters! 

Dad would mostly have us each fortnight, but moved around quite a bit, we met a few different 'girlfriends' before he married Sue (who passed away from MS - Sue will always be my Wedding day 'Mum') and has since been married to Perla for some 23 years, but is another story? 
While we were visiting one weekend at the house at The Gap he molested me and on other occasions 'extremely inappropriate' behaviour... I couldn't tell anyone! Who would believe me? I was always told I was such a difficult child, opinionated and 'naughty'!! 

So my life continued down a bumpy road until I met Anthony, he accepted me and loved me and I shared the most vulnerable parts of myself. We have grown and continue to support each other... he is an amazing person!! We were married when I was 19 & a half (they said it wouldn't last!!), we were gifted 3 children and live our life each day.

Through the years, I wanted to be normal, to have what I saw other families were having and so made it happen... for all intents and purposes we 'were' a 'happy family' at birthday, christmas and other occasions. Until some 4 years ago when Perla's daughter Malea created a drama over Fathers Day (just the straw that broke the camels back as there had been lies at birthdays and other such events through the years, that I 'fixed') and my brother & I and our families were excluded, again. Only this time I wasn't going to smooth it all over, and then Christmas was awkward (I love Christmas, always have, always will) Dad's birthday passed in February, and when he came over at Easter and I told him he needed to be accountable for his actions of 30 years ago, that he had to stop the lies and deception and acknowledge what he did to me... he didn't like it...tried to convince me it didn't happen... he just wanted to give our kids an Easter gift and continue to live the lie we had lived, till now... but something in me, finally said this is enough. I did not want our children growing up in an environment that is so 'fake'!!

Yes, I had to share my 'story' with our children, who had managed to grasp the conversation at our front door... a combination of guilt and a weight lifted - a strangely satisfying feeling? I bravely shared my story to my aunt (Dad's sister and someone who I hold in great esteem, even to this day where she has been told by her brother that I must be lieing as he was in the Police force at the time! I have told her to see what is going on with the priests in the church?) I know it's a shameful situation... I've lived with the shame for 30 odd years!! I also shared my 'secret' with my Brother and sister in law... many tears were wept but in the end they choose to have Grandparents for my niece & nephew - we all get to make choices, and consequently the ripple continues to widen our bond... my heart hurts each day to know that I had no support before and still none after - it is what it is - people can only believe the truth when they want to believe it!!

Image may contain: text

I suppose I am writing this as I get a lot of comments about how perfect my life is, how lucky I am and mostly I agree, but it is because 3 years ago I decided to live a life of truth.
Yes, I do make allowances for those who walk blindly along, following the same pathways as their parents because my love is unconditional and yet not all conditions come from love.

I am not interested in being a 'Poster child' nor a 'Victim' I would just like to continue my journey with the knowledge that I am not hiding anything from anyone. I often listen to other people's stories of their journey through life and feel compassion  or lucky but never judge them, we all have different paths.... and this is mine!

In my mid teens I contacted Alanon, for children and families of alcoholics and more recently reached out to Bravehearts... my path is made difficult by those who don't believe, those who continue to play games and it took alot of growth for me to be 'okay' with walking the past 3 years alone with just my husband and children for support. People seem to believe their love is unconditional and yet their actions speak louder. Simply telling me to 'get over it' or 'move on' is not helpful, sorry!!
 I do have lovely friends, some who know and some who don't, some who share a similar story and some who don't but all with a common thread of friendship - I appreciate and am grateful for you all xx

I suspect some of you have made it to here and think 'big deal', I knew there was something or perhaps will treat me differently with their new found knowledge... and that is all to be expected, please know that your feelings, comments or gossip does not have much of an effect on me these days... I finally and actually like the person I am, yes, still so much to learn and improve and work on but I am doing my best each day!!

If I was handing out Gold Stars today, you would get one just for reading to the end, so 
Thank you.. 
I've probably shared 'too much', you should have seen all the bits I have edited out... but have shared from my heart, and that is who I am! A far from perfect person who continually makes mistakes but strives to live each day with hope for the future!

I hope by me sharing something very personal in a very public way will be another step forward in my journey... but, only time will tell...
Alison xx






26 comments:

  1. Alison, how brave you are to tell your story,as I am reading this with tears flowing down my face. I have always respected you and our friendship and will always be there for you as a good friend.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Alison you are very very BRAVE.... I admire you immensely. xxx

    ReplyDelete
  3. You are brave, you are strong you are very special, well to me you are. You definitely inspire me Alison to be a better person. You are are still one of the most genuine giving selfless people I know who for does so much to help others at the cost of often been used. . I too hope opening up like this helps you move onto another new chapter of your life where it's time for you to SHINe And do some things for YOU and not just everyone else. I'm always only a phone call away. Love you heaps. Thank you for just being You....

    ReplyDelete
  4. I second what Melissa said xxxx

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh darling my heart weeps for you as I read this. I cannot even start to imagine the hurdles you have faced. Life has been everything but kind to you. Yet you are one of the most amazing, kind and generous people I have ever been fortunate enough to meet. If anything my respect for you has just grown tenfold. Take care dear friend, we have your back. You are an inspiration to so many and I believe that sharing this will not only strengthen you and help you in your journey onwards but can mean alot for others too. ❤❤❤

    ReplyDelete
  6. My dear Alison, I cannot at this moment find the words to say ..
    You have courage, your have strength, you are amazing, you are generous, you are SO SO beautiful, you have a light that shines from within & a love for others that oozes in warmth .. I wept tears as I read what you have risen above, I give thanks for your loving husband whose love for you assisted in defeating the battles surrounding you & consoled you when the battles were within .. Take care I am honoured to call you a friend .. much love & warm hugz <3

    ReplyDelete
  7. Sending big hugs and love, you are brave to share. In life we have many choices and I'm so glad you chose not to let what happened in the past define you. You are an amazing strong woman, & I'm honored to know you, Xx

    ReplyDelete
  8. After reading everything ... all i will do is a ���� sending big hugs your way

    ReplyDelete
  9. You are a gorgeous person inside and out. Your strength is amazing and your beautiful personality shines through. I have only just met you and im so glad you are now in my life. You are gorgeous and you are loved xx hugs hugs

    ReplyDelete
  10. Lots of warm hugs and love coming your way, Alison. You are a strong woman. ❤️��

    ReplyDelete
  11. Omg how proud of you, you should be. I know deep down you didn't do this for the glory of replies you wrote it to clear the lies from your soul. You have. No wonder you loved my quote. Don't judge my story by the chapter you came in on. Boy you have a huge story to tell. Ali keep sharing truely it is the only way to live a full happy life. The telling people close to you not your own because they will love and support you without blame. I just pray pray pray that your special relationship with your aunt is in tact it is ever so clear on first meeting you the love you have for her.
    My father destroyed my childhood in a different way but the common thread he was a police officer. I am sure to this day that he thinks that excludes any blame for wrongs done. Oh how I pray for the courage to have the talk with him before his time is done. I love everything about your story. Not the why it's your story but the truth, the raw painful honesty... I can only imagine the editing done I am having enough trouble making this reply to you sound fit for human reading.
    I do have to make mention to the relationship that I have with my mum. Though precious to me as she is through my fathers infedilities and lies I would not have the realationship I do with her now had I continued as an 10 year old to believe his continual lies. He had me so convinced of his innocence that my mother was the affair having lying one. I helped him pack my mums clothes and move her out of our family home. He destroyed my trust, he broke my mums relationship with her own mum during this time as well. Looking back I was so impressionable sadly I was dads little girl we were close I still feel the betrayal to this day I do not feel comfortable in his company and find it hard to have real conversations with him knowing there is an underlying doggedness of lies that have never been addressed. Yet for so many years I blamed myself for the downfall of there marriage because I was told at the shops one day that my dad had been somewhere he shouldn't have been and taken these kids for a ride in the police car sirens and all. Yep sounds silly but I was jealous. But I told my mum where he had been and what had taken place and soon after they separated again for the final time. I don't believe we ever get over the hurts or sins of our fathers.
    ThingI aim to eventually tell my siblings my truth of childhood but don't really think they will care they just see me as mums favourite if they only knew I have started writing them a book of truths though in truth I don't believe I will ever be free of the full extent of those years for many years I have lived as a full life as I can with honesty and integrity something that was not modelled well for me as a young women. But I was determined to have because I know all to well the pain lies cause. For you I imagine that day is like yesterday and it has probably played over in your mind a million trillion times and I cannot for one minute understand the betrayal you felt. I am so angered to think a man wearing a uniform of trust a person that society states we should trust in times of need. Can use that uniform as such something to hide behind. Your right in your saying the similarities to the church. I could write for hours but know this. Once your truth is out and the fall out of that may hurt others it is so far better out of you than hidden within your soul. I am in awe of you and

    ReplyDelete
  12. I have tears. ....you are so amazing and strong to have come through all that and be the awesome person you are today.....you deserve a gold star and I am Honoured to know you...sending you love and hugs xx

    ReplyDelete
  13. What a very brave thing to have done here Alison. More power to you and blessings always xx

    ReplyDelete
  14. Alison your are a warrior ! Every time you share it will get easier and one day you will share and the pain will no longer have its hold on you are your mind will be free . Keep hold of those who love and support you but also keep hold of forgiveness for those who dont support you , They walk their own journey and they may not be as strong as you for truth is a journey not all are capable of walking .I love and admire you for taking your journey threw truth .Remember it isnt always easy but continue to press forward and be proud of who you are becoming .My burdens are lighter everyday because of you and the love and courage you not only give but inspire in others . YOU ARE LOVED.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Oh Alison. I just wanted you to know how brave you are for sharing your story. You are an amazing and strong woman. I am so honoured to know you and call you a friend. I just want to give you a big hug 💖 God bless you dear xxx

    ReplyDelete
  16. Proud to call you my friend hun, I know all the emotions and battles you are going through all too well. You are an amazing, courageous and brave person. Sending lots of big fat squishy hugs, cause I know how much you love them xxxxx

    ReplyDelete
  17. Ali. From the first time I met you I knew you were a very special lady who spends her time blessing others. Your capacity to give and bless others is the silver lining on the dark clouds of your tormented past. We all have a choice. You could have become bitter and hateful but you have chosen the higher way and all who know you are the benefactors. God bless you richly and abundantly for turning your back on the easy way and choosing to rise up against it. I'm in awe at the strength of character you have shown. This last step in your recovery by shining the light on the dark places is the ultimate kick in the head to the serpent of lies who's tried to enslave you. You are bigger and God has you in te palm of His hand. Praying His peace that passes all understanding will fill your heart with overflowing joy. Your new life has just begun. The first page is pure and white....love you heaps. xxx

    ReplyDelete
  18. I have tears. ....you are so amazing and strong to have come through all that and be the awesome person you are today.....you deserve a gold star and I am Honoured to know you...sending you love and hugs xx

    ReplyDelete
  19. I'm so very grateful to have lived a safe & happy life, but I understand how difficult it must be to choose not to be a victim any longer and bravery is just a small portion of that choice. Thankfully you have a loving husband and family plus a support network around you that sees your story not as a plea for sympathy but one for compassion and awareness. I'm proud to call you a friend, you always bring a smile to my face when I see you and I think you have that effect on many of us. Love, support and big squishy hugs coming unconditionally your way. xx

    ReplyDelete
  20. My dear friend, you have been on my mind all day. You have my total admiration in sharing this darkness from your past. Something I could never do. I have relived things I had pushed from my mind for so long and those memories have been buried again. I love that you have given yourself the strength to face your demons and had the chance to do so. It's all uphill for you, as you have so much support in the family and friends that surround you. You have such a big heart and that fact is well known, your care and thought for others is amazing. Very proud to be your friend. Much love and respect xx

    ReplyDelete
  21. Admire your courage and honesty! Thank you so much for sharing your story, love x Tania

    ReplyDelete
  22. Well done for sharing, sending a hug your way, xxxxx

    ReplyDelete
  23. I am glad you now like the person you are with all you've been through... because I really liked you before and after your story. I work with children who are in the same situation you had been in when you were little. Your story insires me to continue to do the work I am doing with them.
    Love you Alison for you! XO

    ReplyDelete
  24. Alison - just read your words again today (with the benefit of good internet) and I am awestruck at your bravery (and just a little bit envious too). It takes a huge lot of strength to write of your sad childhood and how you clearly had to grow up much quicker than you should have. Your character, integrity and courage is definitely what got you through it and is continuing to guide you even now.
    I'm envious because I didn't have the courage to confront my Dad about physical abuse which I suffered - I think if I had and he hadn't acknowledged my pain, I would have self-imploded, so it was safer not to bring it up. And now I can't cause he passed away in 2007.
    You will go on in strength with the love of your husband and children and all of us. Take care though and God bless you.

    ReplyDelete
  25. AMAZEBALLS ❤️❤️❤️ What a brilliant price of writing ... I always knew you were a woman of depth and sincerity.... now I know why ❤️ What an amazing thing to have shared your heart like this, I hope you find all the healing you are seeking here and some extra blessings on top xo ❤️

    ReplyDelete